I have learned a lot about life’s lessons and mostly not through life but through death.
After my daddy died and many years later when my mother died I was still giving the same advice, the “firsts” are the hardest. Their first birthday, my first birthday, the first Christmas, the first Thanksgiving, the first anniversary of their death. It just seemed that the “firsts” were the hardest to navigate through without them. The truth be known you never are quite through with the “firsts”, none of the holidays are ever the same, none of the birthdays are ever the same and honestly none of the days are ever the same. I try to go through life with living with my memories, never forgetting a smile, a hug, a gift, a lesson learned from my parents or other relatives.
I treasure momentoes throughout my house so that I can remember my loved ones. I am not a minimalist, I want to look around and see and feel a memory in every room I enter. I have found as my relatives are dwindling that I am trying to retrieve, relive and remember precious memories from events, conversations, letters, cards, and any form of connection.
It seems as the uncles and aunts have passed away I have a new found connection with cousins at least those that want to connect.
Today I experienced a “last” the last of my mother’s siblings passed away, the last of my uncles and I have no more aunts. He was it, the “last”. He had severe dementia and who knows what he remembered about me but I remembered him and knew that my mother adored her baby brother, that my aunt Rosie adored her baby brother.
When it was apparent that my aunt Rosie did not have many more days left on earth I decided she and her baby brother needed to see each other one last time. He was not doing very well at the time and then when he got better she was not doing very well. I talked to Rosie weekly and I promised her that I would make it happen. I was afraid that she didn’t believe me and I kept reassuring her that I would bring her baby brother to her and I will never forget what she said to me,” I know you will because you make things happen!”
I was so thankful for that conversation, that memory. Finally, the stars were aligned and the date was arranged for Rosie and Jimmy to get to see each other. I drove Jimmy and his youngest daughter two hours away to what would be their “last”. They locked eyes and in all their frailty embraced. He held her hand and she held his. They hugged, she laid her head on his shoulder and he kissed her, and there they had their “last”. It was without a doubt one of the most emotional and endearing moments I have ever experienced. Through that experience, I learned that what the mind has forgotten the heart remembers!
Months later my aunt Rosie died and I arranged to take my uncle from his memory care unit to his last sister’s funeral, remembering the last time I saw him without dementia was at my mother’s funeral, his other sister. As we drove he put his hand on mine and looked at me and said “ Thank-You” I asked what he was thanking me for and he said,” You help me”. As we entered the funeral home and viewed his sister in the coffin for the last time I asked if he wanted to tell her that he loved her and he looked at me and took his hand and tapped the side of his head and said.” It is in here.” I realized it had always been in there, he couldn’t express it, he couldn’t say my name, he couldn’t tell me that he loved me but he did, it was in there.
So last week my uncle Jimmy became the “last”, the last of my uncles. I have no more uncles or aunts. Jimmy and Rosie were my connection to my mother’s spirit and suddenly I am no longer thinking of the “firsts” but the “last”.
Although I was not able to see Jimmy for six months and he was in the hospital for a month and died of COVID alone, I know that what the mind has forgotten the heart remembers and he loved me. He couldn’t say it and he didn’t have to because as he told me before that it was in there!
As I looked into the sky at the full moon surrounded by a few stars, the night of his funeral, I remembered the Sailor dressed in his Navy Whites playing Taps with his bugle and the words echoed through my heart:
Day is done, gone the sun
From the lakes, from the hills, from the sky
All is well, safely rest
God is nigh.
Fading light dims the sight
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright
From afar, drawing near
Falls the night.
Thanks and praise for our days
Neath the sun , ‘neath the stars’, ‘neath the sky’
As we go, this we know
God is nigh.
He was special to me, he was my mother’s baby brother and now he is my “last”.
